simon & nadia: part four
something I found and it’s beautiful
I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter to a Young Poet
where I see this in the bible: james 5:7-8
Meanwhile, friends, wait patiently for the Master’s Arrival. You see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work. Be patient like that. Stay steady and strong. The Master could arrive at any time.
how it relates to the conversation
It feels like I’ve had a million and ten conversations about race in just the last 3 or 4 years. Every day, I wonder if it’s truly necessary. I wonder if another conversation is worth it. Then, something happens – usually in the news – and that small giant voice inside me whispers, “It’s necessary. It’s worth it. Trust me.”
This morning, I watched a video of President Trump addressing a beautiful, young, Black woman doing her job as a reporter. She asked him a question. Just a question. And he spat at her, “What a stupid question that is. What a stupid question. I watch you a lot. You ask a lot of stupid questions.”
This was not the first time he’s attacked a black woman doing her job. This is a problem—an epic problem for any man to address any woman in such a way. But when a white man who occupies one of the highest seats in the world does so to a Black woman while cameras are rolling for all the world to see, it’s evidence of an epidemic that reflects an unresolved crisis that has for too many years gone unchecked. The crisis of Black women is not new. We haven’t been silent—though they have tried to silence us. We have always been present—though cameras rarely bother to show up for us. We have been working like the farmers James speaks of—slowly, patiently, steadily and strong. We continue to tend to the soil.
So, as well as I can, I try to have patience with all the things that are unresolved in my heart. I try to love the questions in and of themselves. And I try to approach my blog, my feed, these conversations, like locked rooms or books written in a foreign language—without answers and needing all the grace and help I can get. I talk to white friends and my white husband. I have conversations with my daughter where I practice listening more intensely than I have ever listened to anyone else. I try to remember to put my phone down and to look at her when she’s speaking and to truly engage with her every word because I don’t know if some day some white man somewhere will tell her that she asks stupid questions or call her a loser. And, Lord help me, hold me back if that ever comes to pass. But today, all I can do is what I’m doing and hope that if that does happen to her she will instantly recognize it for the lie that it is because she will have learned from us, her parents, what being heard and valued feels like, and she will know that her questions are not stupid and that she is not a loser. Like Rilke wrote to his young poet, my hope is that our young bright girl will “be brave in the face of the strangest, most singular and most inexplicable things.” And, she will respond to them with astounding beauty and courage.
simon, nadia and me: the conversation- part four
BCWWF:
Simon this question is specifically for you. When we were dating did you ever have pause with my being black?
SIMON:
Nope.
BCWWF:
Was there ever anything like how your friends would respond or how your church would respond?
SIMON:
Friends? Yeah. Sure. The big question was, “Do I announce that she’s black before they meet her?”
BCWWF:
And, you went with no.
(all laugh)
SIMON:
I did go with no! I did!
BCWWF:
And, I was mortified!
(all laugh)
NADIA:
That’s like something out of sit-com.
SIMON:
I don’t recall a single friend I introduced to you even blinking.
BCWWF:
Oh they blinked.
(all laugh)
BCWWF:
Though, I must admit it was with delight and surprise like, “Ooooohh.” Cause I was amazing at 40!
SIMON:
There were two friends who I told that you were black when I told them that I was pursuing you. And, that’s just because I wanted to share everything that I knew about you. I was excited about you so to hide your blackness from them would have been ridiculous because it’s such a part of you. Why wouldn’t I share that?
BCWWF:
I’ve often told people that I’m more aware of our differences in regards to your being from England and me being raised American. I find more difference there than I find anywhere else between us. But also, I have said that the way that white men move in the world has been such a revelation to me. I mean the way you move in the world is a new experience. You are really not worried about the cops pulling you over or people stopping and questioning you in any way. I remember one time we had taken down the Christmas tree, and we needed to get rid of it. We were told that we couldn’t put it in the dumpster and I remember you just telling the custodian, “It’s trash. Of course, I can put it in the dumpster.”
SIMON:
It was trash! Of course it could go in the dumpster.
BCWWF:
And, you put it in the dumpster while looking dead in his face. I was like this is privilege in a way that I’ve never seen it. You weren’t worried about the cops being called. You weren’t worried about being reported or kicked out of our apartment. You weren’t worried about any kind of backlash with that. You knew your rights and you went for it.
There have been so many times that I knew my rights but there’s always that thing in the back of my head, “Yes, but you’re black. Be careful about how you navigate this.” There are even times when I will remind you, “Hey babe, I know we’re trying to get some place and you’re trying to get us there on time. But, remember this car doesn’t look like all the other cars on the street because you and I are in it. I don’t wanna be pulled over. I don’t wanna draw any attention.”
It’s how I was raised. Don’t draw attention. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t raise a stink. Don’t give a reason. Is that weird for you with me?
SIMON:
Yeah. It’s weird. But, I don’t have any issue with it when you say it. I know you’re right.
BCWWF:
There have also been times that I’ve witnessed you take such ownership of yourself and hold yourself in such esteem. That has encouraged me to hold myself to the same esteem as a person made in God’s image and a fellow human. You’ve given me a lot of permission to do that. There have been a lot of times when I have said that I shouldn’t do that or I can’t do that. But, you have stopped me and said, ”What do you mean you can’t? Of course you can.” You are my biggest cheerleader but not because I’m black. You cheer for me because I am a human and I have to right to do and say things.
SIMON:
And, because the thing that you are trying to do you are more than capable of doing and doing it brilliantly.
BCWWF:
I’m very grateful for that babe. But it also makes me a little sad because I don’t know how many women—especially black women—get to hear that their voice is important and just as powerful— not powerful in spite of… or, powerful because of. It’s powerful because it exists.
BCWWF:
So last question, what do each of you want my readers to know about this journey that we as a family are on?
NADIA:
It’s very uncertain. I don’t know. I have no clue. I’m happily following along with my mother in something that I never thought would happen—she writes about us. I’m kinda happy not knowing what’s gonna happen. Usually, I’d be freaking out but I’m okay with not knowing.
BCWWF:
What are you okay with not knowing?
NADIA:
Everything! I don’t know where it’s gonna go and where it’s gonna take us or how it’s gonna effect the community. It’s interesting.
SIMON:
Well, I can respond to that and say that I totally get that Nadia. If I were in your position, I’d probably have the same answer. But, having lived a little longer and having had more experience, I can say that I’m incredibly excited for the future—especially yours (to Nadia). But, I think you’re in a tricky—oh my gosh—a really tricky place in life…
BCWWF:
The spot being the role of a teenager?
SIMON:
Yeah, as a teenager, Nadia. But, I think you are gonna get through it and be an amazing grown-up.
BCWWF:
I mean, she’s already an amazing teenager.
SIMON:
Yeah! if I didn’t believe in you, what would be the point of us even bothering in all that we’re trying to do as a family? But, you (speaking to Nadia) are going to be just fine.
BCWWF:
And when we say you’re going to be just fine we’re not saying that you’re gonna be just fine and win the Nobel Peace prize and become the President. None of that high-pressure nonsense to meet some sorta worldly success.
NADIA:
But I wanna be a success! But I don’t wanna be the President.
BCWWF:
But do I think that you’re gonna be a whole person who will love people well? Who will actually love people as much as you love yourself and as well as you love yourself and who will love your enemies? I know you’ll fight for justice and do justice. I totally think you will do all those things.
NADIA:
Yep!
BCWWF:
And, I feel like doing those things will give you a life of incredible blessings. Not tit-for-tat monetarily, but blessings unimaginable.
SIMON:
Being a part of this family is the good kind of privilege. That’s the way I would have used the word privilege before coming to understand what it really means in the world and this country right now as the white male role in it. But, I feel really privileged to be in this family. It’s incredibly exciting.
after thoughts…
To my family, I do not deserve you. But you can’t get rid of me, so…
If you’d like to support amazing custom letterers and designers follow:
@goodtype
If you’d like to learn more about what it means to be a black woman in this country and what it’s like to navigate that, listen to this podcast episode:
KERA’s Think, November 7 2018: The Balancing Act of Black Women
If you want to read my post about how I felt when I learned that my friend’s neighbor called the Neighborhood Watch on me, check out this post:
girlz n the hood
If you don’t – or can’t – believe that Trump said what he said, watch this:
CNN
Or read this:
Washington Post
